Reverend Mother Superior Patricia's Parish Bulletin

I see where Pope Benedict XVI, the former Joseph Ratzinger, has pronounced that the Catholic Church is the one true onliest church evuh and anyone who worships /thinks otherwise is just not down with Da Jesus.

Yes, he actually said it: Orthodox denominations are “defective”, hence Not True, and other Christian denominations are not real churches, just religion-based communities. And only the Church of Rome is the real deal, ‘cause Jesus said so. (Well, no he didn’t, not really. BECAUSE HE WASN’T AROUND FOR IT. It all got done behind his back and after his death. Safe, eh?)

Well, bite me, Benedictus, you big ol’ skirt-wearing spiritual Nazi! Guess you learned those iron-booted Hitler Youth lessons really well, to now apply them to the bloated festering sack of ecclesiastical pus you have come to rule over.

The arrogance of this man staggers me. Yet does not surprise me. It is odd, though (or maybe not...) that the lesson he learned from his youth as a Catholic in a German Catholic family under the Nazi regime is that Catholics should become MORE subservient (he says “obedient”, I say “servile”. Potayto, potahto…) to their churchly commanders rather than learn to think more independently and tolerantly. He’s basically saying “Toe the line, you little droids, otherwise, who knows, Nazis in the woodpile may return to crush you and only utter servile obedience to the Vatican platform can save you.” Whoo! Click those heels! Heil Papa!

Once again: I attack the institution, not the dogma. And I slap the sheep upside their fat woolly flock-run heads only to wake them up to the jackals that are “guarding” the herd. So don't go off on me for being anti-Christian. I'm only anti-Church.

Oh, and in related developments, let’s not forget all the church property being sold off in LA even as we speak to pay out the massively gigundo criminal abuse settlement, biggest so far.

It is indeed criminal, and now they’re being rightly made to pay, to the tune of $600 million. It is also evil, because not only did innocents suffer irreparable damage but that money spent on atonement could have, presumably, helped others who need help just as much, if not even more: could have funded food pantries, soup kitchens, shelter for the homeless, clinics, clothing banks.

Plus the timing is just the teensiest bit suspicious, dontcha think? Right before, I say, RIGHT BEFORE the first of the abuse cases goes to trial, where he would have to testify under oath, Los Angeles’s Cardinal Mahony breaks open the piggybank and comes up with all this money to settle out of court the cases that his office long covered up.

True, as happened in my family’s Long Island diocese of Rockville Centre, bunches of that money could just as easily have gone to building a McMansion for the ruling primate, a pig of a man and a worse bishop, who turfed out nuns so that he could have a big fancy priesthouse worthy of Donald Trump, and left other nuns, shorn of the salaries and Social Security they gave to the Church, to live over people’s garages because he wouldn’t pay to have them provided for.

Hey, you know, Jesus was born in a stable and lived in a humble carpenter’s house---why don’t you spoiled priestlings try emulating THAT for a change? You live better than your god did! Now THERE’s humility for you! Not to mention the vow of poverty…

But let’s give credit. Some Catholics do a great deal of selfless work for others, and may God set a flower on their heads for it. It’s just the pederast self-entitled puffed-up lying bottom-feeders who get the attention.

And they should. Because trusting people who accept these men as sacred arbiters must know what they really are and what they really do.

What galls me right under the girth is that people still pretend this stuff is (a), not happening; and (b), doesn’t matter. They still listen to the forked and flickering tongues of cassock-robed reptiles, and said reptiles still criminally reassign offenders to, oh, say, all-boys Catholic schools, and sweep it all under the fancy clerical-seal-embroidered custom carpets in the priesthouse.

Some priestlings and fellow travelers opine that ex-Catholics who are angry about the Church are as jilted lovers, and they wouldn’t be so angry if they’d only realize they just want to be back in the Church’s bosom.

Which crap only makes me even angrier. I had quite enough of sucking at that withered and poisonous tit when I was a child and decided at age seven that this was bullshit and bogus and not for me. I would sooner be burned at the stake a billion times over than return to its arid clasp. (And I haven't noticed a papal apology to Witches and Pagans and other such folks for the horrors of the Inquisition, either...) I do not believe in its warped tenets, Pagan-based though they all are (if you do, fine; we are all still free to worship as we please, though I haven’t looked at the papers yet this morning so who knows what the Supreme Court got up to in the middle of the night), and others are as free to dis mine as I am to dis theirs.

That is, they’re free to do so when the Pagan Pope starts blithering about hers being the one true right only religion, and when the Pagan Diocese of Los Angeles pays out 600 million shekels for the wages of the sins of its clergy. And not a millisecond before.